MOO 17: Broomsticks and Bad Jokes
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Month O' Oneshots 17! No pairings in this one, really, just lots and lots and LOTS of Quidditch jokes! Need I say more? Read, laugh, get funny looks from everyone else in the room. Enjoy.


A/N: Well, I had to do it. Quidditch is too full of potential to pass up the opportunity to have Draco make snide remarks about it. I make no apologies for this story. I would like to add in my defense thatit was fault I couldn't get this up in time. Well, possibly a ton of people or something. I tried for four freaking hours yesterday (3 to 7pm) and it refused to accept my documents. It claimed that there was too much traffic and I was like GRR! Yes, for maybe an hour, but FOUR? Huh. Ah well. It's up now, as is a new Brothers Grimm story. (cough) Anywho, here you go. Enjoy, darlings. (It has always struck me as funny that so many fic authors call thier readers daers or darlings or some such pet name. I love it.) This is based on an actual track and field practice I had. I am Cho, I combined two of my friends to be Draco, another friend is Harry, and yes there actually were various people who said some of Ron and Cedric's lines. I love my life. I just tailored a few jokes to fit broomsticks instead of poles. Heh.

MOO: #17

Pairing: None, really, although I suppose you could read one into this if you desperately wanted to.

Dedication: To the pole vaulting team. God, I love you people. Fun times, eh?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. I don't even own zero. The ancient Arabs made it up. Thank you, Ye Olde Arabes, btw. Without you this MOO would have been MOO XVII. While the Romans kicked arse, they sadly had a crap numeral system. But I digress.

Warning: This entire fic is a vehicle for dirty jokes about Quidduitch and various aspects of Hogwarts. Everything else is simply backround. I think this may be my favourite oneshot so far.

* * *

" 'Hogwarts is playing against Durmstrang, so I know you can all pull together and be jolly good chaps and manage to work together' my arse. The old sod probably just wants to watch us ride broomsticks," grumbled Draco. "This is so stupid. On top of which, I have to be a buggering _CHASER_." 

Harry laughed and stumbled, falling to the grass with an 'oof' as he hit the pitch and a second 'oof' as his broomstick fell on top of him.

"Falling under broomsticks, are we?" asked Fred, grinning.

"Didn't know you liked it that way, Potter," snickered Draco.

"Didn't know the Ferret's gaydar was so fucked up," commented George. "Isn't it supposed to--"

"--help one recognise one's own kind?" continued Fred. "Or perhaps it's fucked up because--"

"--Malfoy hasn't been," finished George, leering with Fred as everyone else laughed.

Except Cedric.

"Wait, what?" asked Cedric, confused. "I don't get it. What's 'gaydar'?" The rest of the mismatched team sighed.

"Something that you don't have, obviously," muttered Cho. Cedric looked at her. She coughed. "Erm…gaydar is what we call that feeling you get when someone near you is gay. Like…a sixth sense. Like radar. Only for gay people. Hence the term gaydar," she explained.

"Ohhh…that makes even less sense. What's radar?" he asked, puzzled.

"Right," said Ron, clapping his hands together. "We need to work out positions since we have four Seekers here." Suddenly, he noticed Cedric. "Wait, you're dead, aren't you?"

Cedric shrugged. "Apparently not. I think the author either wanted to blatantly disregard canon or she wanted to not make Harry the oblivious one for once because that's the code name for--"

A giant hand reached out of the sky and clamped itself across Cedric's mouth before he could get any further. Another giant hand took a piece of celestial duck tape and stuck it firmly across his mouth. The hands then disappeared.

Fred and George pouted.

"If you wanted to shut him up, you could always ask--" began Fred.

"--one (or both) of us to do it for you," finished George. The twins pouted in unison.

"Ok, right, fine, moving on. I'm Keeper, FrednGeorge are Beaters, Draco, Harry and Cho are Chasers, and Cedric stays Seeker.

"Why does _he_ get to stay Seeker?" demanded Cho, Harry, and Draco.

"Because,"Ron growled. "He's too thick to learn how to do anything else."

"That's not true!" insisted Cedric. "I am not fat!"

"Stupid thick, Ced." Harry told him.

"Right, so. Practice. You lot--" began Ron.

"You know what?" Draco said to Cho. "The new Chasers should just practice on our own."

Cho nodded. "Come on, Harry. We're going to practice by ourselves."

Ron glowered. "I'm the team captain, though!"

"Yeah, but you don't know anything about being a Chaser," pointed out Cho. "Besides, you're not going to help anyway. You're going to be blocking the goal while we shoot stuff at you."

Draco raised an eyebrow and smirked. "So he's not letting anything into the hoop?" he repeated in a rather lascivious tone. He and Cho smirked at each other.

"Yes, I am," Ron told them, nonplussed. Draco and Cho high-fived. And then…

"URGH! That is sick. Stop making jokes like that. I swear, you are so perverted," muttered Ron.

"Wait, was that a reference to sex?" asked Harry.

"Yeah…Harry, whenever Draco says anything that makes Cho laugh, or when Cho says something that makes Draco laugh, assume it's some sort of reference to sex. Lechers, both of them." Ron shook his head, half-amused and half-disgusted.

So practice wore on. Cedric amused his simple self by looking pretty and chasing the Snitch.

Cho commented on this. "Draco, Cedric's pretty determined to capture the golden sphere, isn't he?"

Draco snickered. "Yes, indeed. They're both flying for the same team, it seems."

"And you know what they say about men who fly that high…"

"Cedric looks quite good with a broomstick, doesn't he?" remarked Harry.

Cho and Draco turned around, jaws dropping. A bludger narrowly missed Draco's arm.

"Harry…did you just make a pervy joke?" Draco goggled in disbelief. Cho squealed and threw her arms around Harry's neck.

"I'm so proud of you!" she gushed.

Harry 'eep'ed and shoved her away.

"Oh. Yes, sorry, I forgot," Cho said brightly.

"Hmm, riding that broomstick quite skilfully isn't he," continued Draco.

"Yes, one could assume he's been flying on broomsticks for a while, the way he flies," agreed Cho.

"Ooh, just went through a goal hoop there, didn't know he liked it that way…"

"He'll do anything when he really wants a catch."

"Not much of a catch he's going for, though, is it? Rather small compared the playing sphere we have," Harry pointed out, gesturing at the Quaffle.

Draco and Cho applauded.

"Marvellous, dearie."

"Please don't call me dearie, Cho."

"Sorry Harry forgot again. Draco, can I call you dearie?"

"Over my dead, cold, rotting body, Cho."

"You lads are not fun at all," Cho pouted.

"STOP CRACKING PERVY JOKES AND JUST PRACTICE, DAMN IT!" Ron bellowed. "You're holding the shooting line up!"

"Oh, so now we have to wait in line to get a shot in, do we?" Draco demanded.

"You never made us wait before," added Cho.

"Trying out new ways of drilling, is he?"

"I believe he is. Did not know he was so adventurous. Did you, Cho?"

"No, Draco, but I notice--"

"Just throw the Quaffle, guys, _please_," Ron groaned. "And stop with the jokes, they're not funny."

"Just because you don't get them doesn't mean they're not amusing," huffed Cho.

"Indeed," agreed Draco.

Ron eventually got Draco and Cho to stop snickering and start practicing. They were absolutely horrible.

"We are absolutely horrible," grumbled Draco.

"This sucks," Ron agreed.

Cho nudged Draco. "Who?" she asked innocently.

"What do you--CHO! Good Lord in Heaven, can you STOP saying things like that for five minutes?"

"Nope!" she told him cheerfully.

"Bet you a galleon."

"Done."

Three minutes later, Ron was having trouble with his broom. It kept jerking when he tried to turn left.

"I _can _turn left!" muttered Harry, giggling.

"What was that?" Ron growled.

"I said, 'I _can_ turn left.' It's from a movie called Zoolander," Harry explained.

"If you say so," Ron said warily. The broom jerked again.

"AUGH! This broom blows! Urgh, fucking Cleansweeps…"

Cho tried to hold in the giggles, she really did, but soon she and Draco were practically falling off their brooms laughing.

Ron grimaced. "STOP IT, you two! Harry, don't you even start--goddamnit. And Cho, you owe me a galleon."

Cho gave him a look of injured innocence. "What did I say?" she demanded. "I didn't say a bloody thing. What did I say? Tell me what I said. I didn't say anything!"

Ron glared. "You were thinking it." At her look, he threw up his hands. "Fine. Fine. Go ahead, make all the jokes you want. You'll get tired sometime."

"Oh no, she won't. I heard from someone else on the cross country team that she has a lot of endurance."

Cho threw the Quaffle at Draco and sulked. "That's not funny," she pouted.

"Yes it is. If I'd said that about Harry, you'd have fallen to the ground laughing," Draco pointed out reasonably.

"Still," huffed Cho. "Anyway, I heard Harry rides a broomstick better than you can."

("Was that an innuendo?" Harry asked Ron.

Ron shook his head resignedly. "Yes," he replied.)

"See?" said Draco, once the two friends had stopped snickering. Personal can be funny."

"Let's keep names and specifics out of it, ok guys?" Ron begged.

"Fine, fine," Draco and Cho agreed.

"Anyway, you can't keep up pervy jokes for the entire practice," put in Ron.

"Oh, but I can," shot back Cho. "Lots of things can be kept up during practice," she snickered. "Especially when Cedric's around."

Ron groaned and rolled his eyes. "Is there ANYTHING you and Draco won't turn into a crap innuendo?"

Cho and Draco thought a minute.

"Nope."

"There must be something."

"I'll bet you the galleon from before that there isn't. Double or nothing," Cho offered.

"Okay, rain."

"People stay indoors when it's raining, don't they…in fact, rain makes outside a lot like the shower rooms, doesn't it? Colder, but people can warm each other up--"

"Yes, yes. Chasers."

"What are they chasing after?"

"Beaters."

"Didn't know you liked it that way, Ron."

"You're sick. Seekers--no, wait, never mind. Too easy." Cho nodded. Ron was getting the hang of this. She snickered. Hang. Heh.

"Fluffy cute bunny rabb-goddamnit. Potions class."

"What kind of potions do we make? And I won't even mention the rumours floating around about Snape and the students, so that takes care of 'detention' innuendo too. Next?" asked Cho expectantly.

"Charms--no, too easy again. Astrology."

"They say every movement of humans is written in the starts," replied Cho, waggling her eyebrows to indicate exactly what sorts of movements one might read.

Ten minutes later, after Cho had commented on what the Headmaster's favourite food might be, the kitchens, house elves, Gryffindor Tower, the Slytherin dungeons, the entire house of Hufflepuff, and a variety of common household items, Ron gave up.

"We've been out here for nearly two hours," Ron sighed.

Draco and Cho exchanged glances.

"Stop it," scolded Ron without even having to look. "Let's hit the showers. Practice again tomorrow."

All seven students floated down to the ground. As they trudged back to the locker rooms, Cho broke off and headed towards the girls' area. She waved goodbye to Draco and Harry, who waved back.

"Have fun, boys." she called back, grinning.

"We will!" answered Draco.

"We all know what they say about shower scenes…" added Cho just before she ducked into the locker room to avoid being hexed by several rather flushed boys, who avoided looking at each other as they walked in.

"I don't get it," said Cedric.


End file.
